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Life.

Life is pretty shit. I am depressed. People say you should remove yourself from negativity, but then how do I remove myself from myself? I have bought into ideologies about God, Jesus, Love, Trust, Forgiveness, because it was enforced upon me my entire life. Now I struggle to know what all these things actually mean, and what they are supposed to mean to me. I don’t know myself. I don’t love myself. I thought I did. I am full of hate. I am full of bitterness. I do not want to turn to God/Jesus as if He will solve all my problems, because He won’t, and I don’t want to use God/Jesus so that things will get better in my life. I don’t love God/Jesus, because what I have been taught my whole life about what God/Jesus has done for me has become mundane to me. If I don’t love God/Jesus then what is the point of following Him, or trying to live my life in a way that pleases Him.   I am a mess. People say I am beautiful as if beauty is only what the eye can see. I am ugly. Have you seen my heart? Have you felt my heart? I wear it on my sleeve, so it’s pretty obvious to see that I am actually ugly. Everything you think you know about me is wrong. Unless you have come to the conclusion that I am self-absorbed, ugly, bitter, boring, an evil bitch, immature, spiteful, unloving, and fake, then you don’t know me. I try to be a nice person. I am not a nice person. I try to be a friend. I am the worst friend. I try to be happy. I try to love. I try. Does this make me a pretender? I, I, I, I, I, I. Is this my problem?  Going for counselling for almost a year has helped in certain ways, but can I really unlearn who I am, and who I have become? If I do, then am I really myself? Is all that I am made up of, merely a set of ideologies that I have bought into? I feel sorry for my husband, because this affects him the most. I am a shit human. I have given you people all the reason in the world to avoid me, half of you don’t even know me, half of you don’t even care…others will tell me not to ‘air my dirty laundry’ in public. I don’t give a shit. This is me. Love me or leave me alone. I’ll rather be hated for what I am, than loved for what I am not.

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